Good Bye Cleft Lip....i'm going to miss you.

*A year ago Marc and I had to fill out the hardest piece of paperwork for our adoption.  It was the form that listed all of the "special needs" that we would be willing to knowingly accept in our adopted child.  I prayed and prayed over that sheet.  It was sooooooooo hard.  In the end, after much discussion with the Lord and my husband there was only one condition that Marc and I didn't agree on.  Cleft lip/palate.  Marc said a firm and confident "yes", I said "I just can't do it."  I KNEW in my heart that my reason was simple: vanity.  I knew my reason was wrong and yet I couldn't check that box having the reservations and fear that I had.  I knew I had to have perfect peace, that only God gives, on each condition I checked...and I wanted to to have it on this condition but I didn't.

*Fast forward four months (including one heart baby referral that didn't work out) and I felt like we needed to take another look at that form.  I asked God why I had to revisit that form b/c it was hard enough the first time.  But I couldn't get it off my mind that there was something I needed to add to that form.  I couldn't imagine what it was.

*Around that time a bilboard popped up on the freeway at the exit to my home.  The billboard had a GIGANTIC face of a baby on it with bilateral complete cleft lip....it was an add for Smile Train or something like that.  I looked at that face and I had to look away.  It was hard to look at.  The deformity was so big and so unattractive to me.  I really hate to say it...but I had to look away in disgust. That billboard was in a location that I couldn't get away from...I was forced to look at it over and over and over again....It was such an "issue" for me that I had to pray about it...."God", I said, "please help me....my heart is not right!  I know that is your child.  Help me to see them through your eyes."  And so I prayed..and prayed...and prayed. 
Over time, God changed my heart.  He cleaned out my yucky sinful thoughts and replaced them with His thoughts.  He said to me, "Jennifer, that IS my child and I don't make mistakes.  She is a beautiful beautiful girl in every way.  Her lip isn't ugly, it is just different from a lot of other people.  The world looks at her lip, I look at her heart.  Please love her like I love her...please be differnent from the world....these kids need love.  And besides Jennifer, you know you ain't no beauty queen yourself.  Should I remind you of your characteristics that the world sees as flaws?"  Oh humbling.

*It was at this point in the adoption journey that I began looking at blogs of other families that have adopted.  I came upon one of a girl that was about to be adopted...she had a repaired cleft lip.  Something about her caught my heart.  I thought to myself...look at her...she is a precious child of God......I thought she was beautiful....if my agency had asked ME to adopt her, would I say no?  I would have said yes...she is precious.! (yes Sue, this is your daughter I am talking about.)

*Then the unthinkable (to me) happened.  God gave me this intense desire to adopt a cleft lip/palate baby.  I wanted one.  I just had that amazing peace that that condition would be a perfect fit for our family.  I figured we probably wouldn't get one since we had so many other conditions also checked on that infamous form.

*Three days later our agency called with Meili's information.  She had a cleft lip and palate.  We accepted the referral.

*Fast forward to meeting Meili.  My first two thoughts about her when I saw her were: tiny and adorable.  Can't you see God in this?  He had totally changed my heart.  When I saw her I did not even see her lip...I just saw her beauty.

*The biggest surprise and challenge of travel in China was the terrible looks and comments of disgust that we frequently experienced that were directed to Meili and her lip.  We learned there, in a very real way, that a baby born with a cleft lip is a sign of a life of bad luck for the child and the family, a sign of shame.  We were encouraged multiple times to buy her a mask to cover up her face.  As you could imagine I could write a novel on this experience alone.  I will sum it up by saying that I have never felt such rage in my heart.  And then I was completely humbled as God reminded me of my thoughts of that billboard many months before.  God revealed Himself to me and comforted me in ways that I will NEVER forget and forever praise Him for.

*After one week with Meili, I started struggling with the thought of surgery.  Why?  Why would we ever let her have surgery?  I had to have an answer...I just couldn't do it b/c everyone expected us to.  And to me, there was NO reason to.  She was perfect...God made her lip the way it was and He didn't make mistakes and to me, it was perfect.  She was perfect.  One of the four most adorable kids in the world to me.  I couldn't put her through surgery without a reason.  I reluctantly shared these feelings with Marc.  He said he had been thinking the exact same thoughts.  I imagined the looks people would give me when I told them we weren't going to fix it.  I didn't care.  Finally after a few long weeks of processing all of this, seemingly out of the blue the reason TO DO surgery came to me....I think that SHE would want us to have it fixed for her.

*I wanted to hurry up and get the misery of the (unwanted by me) surgery over with and Marc wanted to delay it for a few months....when would we do it?  The surgeon's office called and there was only one opening within the next few months....January 19th. It seemed clear that was the time to do it.

And that brings us to tonight, the eve of her surgery.  Tomorrow at noon she will be going into the operating room for a four hour surgery to repair her cleft lip. 
People have asked if I am excited to have this surgery.  My answer is "no".  I know it must sound silly to say but I am going to miss her cleft lip.  It is her.  I think it is cute.  God has used it and this amazing amazing amazing little girl to change me for the better.  As you can see, her cleft lip has been a big deal for me. When God works on your heart and you can see and feel the transformation that only He can do, it's a big deal.

So tomorrow morning I am going to have to put on my big girl pants and go and do what I don't want to do but what I know I need to do.

Thank you God for all that you have taught me through my daughter's cleft lip.  Thank you for humbling me.  Thank you for helping me to see people more through your eyes.  Thank you for giving me the priviledge of calling Meili my daughter.  Thank you for being a God who doesn't make mistakes and made her perfectly in your image.  Thank you for making her sooooooooo beautiful on the inside and the outside.  What a gift she is to us, every piece of her.  Thank you for making our path to her clear.  If I could have picked any child to come home with us, I would pick her over and over again.  God, I praise you for her!!!!!!!!!  thank you.