One Year with Levi

My journal entry written on the plane to China to pick up Levi just one year ago:  August 14, 2012.   I wrote,

".....I guess I fear a bit that this transition is going to be sooo hard for Levi.  But I feel like these last few weeks God has impressed upon me that this is ALL His plan and He will work on Levi's heart and get us through.  I feel like He has been saying to me, 'If Levi struggles for the rest of your/his life, will you be okay with that?'  I wrestled with it for a bit.  But, yes yes yes!  I am ready.  I will follow the Lord and love Levi forever!  No matter what....to God be the glory in Levi's life."

 My mind could have never fathomed the road that God had prepared for us with Levi.  And yet, in a sweet way, God had been preparing my heart.  Journeying through this last year with Levi has been remarkable.  It has been a year full of many many trials.  Adopting a child at the age of 3 who is completely surprisingly severely developmentally delayed feels like being thrown into the middle of the sea and not knowing how to swim.

And now, here we are....one year later.  Phew.

We have had umpteen doctors appointments, tests, surgery, and research...and we are not much better off than a year ago in regards to his medical issue.  It continues to remain a bit of a mystery.  It does complicate his life and so we will continue to pursue any and every avenue we can think of to help his sweet little body function as good as it can.

We have dived head first into the world of therapists and therapies and this past year I have gained the ability to pretty quickly discern if its going to be a good one or a bad one.  Unfortunately, most of them have been useless.  Developmentally, sweet Levi has made very little progress since coming home one year ago. 

And so, physically and tangibly speaking, really not much has changed in a year.

But then, we must move on to matters of the heart.  Because that is the arena where there has been the most progress.  And that is really the only thing that matters.

Let's start a year ago when I whispered into my husband's ears in China, "I don't want him."

And then I came home and I saw how most other people, frankly, viewed him the same way.  They didn't want him either.  They didn't want his abnormal behaviors.  They didn't want his loud grunts.  They didn't want his shrieks.  They didn't want his messing eating.  They didn't want his overactive movements and unpredictability.  They didn't want him messing up their house.  They didn't want him getting in their personal space.  Etc.

I can't tell you how many people have said to me, "I'm so sorry."

And yet...during this time....God was also whispering in my ear, "He is yours.  He is for you.  He is My perfect gift for you."  And so my brain and my heart started the dance....the dance of trying to figure out developmentally delayed kids.  My kid.  My perfect gift from God.  Levi.

And what a dance that has been!  I know that I am no where near figuring it all out.  But I also know that I see life and developmentally delayed kids A LOT differently than I did a year ago.

Here are some of my random thoughts that have evolved out of this last year:

*Don't tell people you are sorry if their kid has delays.  Praise God that He has given them a beautiful child.  All children are to be praised equally.  They are all made equally wonderfully and beautifully.  They are ALL created in God's image and ALL fallen from grace.  NO differences in the ways that count.  Look at it through God's lens....NOT our American culture that has taught us (ME!) to focus on the things that don't matter at all in God's book!  "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."  Rom. 12:2

*Please don't criticize parents with delayed kids.  JUST LIKE parenting an adopted kid  can be VERY different than parenting a bio kid, so is the same for parenting a delayed kid.  A "friend" said to us a few months ago, "you know what is wrong with autistic kids?  Their parents!  Their parents need to control them better and not allow them to run all over the place."  Oh my.  "Mercy triumphs over judgement!"  James 2:13

*Developmentally delayed kids are made in God's image.....just like me.  Hmm....God's image.  That's a profound thought to me.  "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD."  Isaiah 55:8

*There are two types of people:  people that gravitate towards developmentally disabled people and people that take a few steps backwards.  You already know which one I used to be.  And although I am not yet a person to RUN towards these people, I believe now that God IS that type of person.  Oh, how He loves them.  "Whoever welcomes this little child in My name welcomes Me;  and whoever welcomes Me welcomes the One who sent Me.  For he who is least among you all- he is the greatest."  Mat. 9:48

*Living with a D.D. kid reveals and removes layers of selfishness that you didn't even know existed.  There is not much room for "self" when you live with someone so needy.  And that, my friends, is a challenging and yet very very very good place to be.  "He must become greater;  I must become less."  John 3:30

*Sorting through the resources, opinions, and help that exists in our country for these sweet children is overwhelming.  Thinking about the future with Levi is overwhelming.   Thinking about anything regarding Levi is overwhelming.  And yet God says, "one day at a time!" to me. One day at a time following Him.  Again, a good place to be.  A very very very good place to be.  "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinth. 12:9

*And most importantly, over this past year, Levi has become my son.  For some people (like my amazing husband), they can attach quickly.  But for me, it has taken some time.  My heart has done a 180 since August 20th of last year, when I held Levi in my arms for the first time.  I won't even pretend to know what God is doing...but what I do know is that He is leading.  And this is quite the ride!  And I wouldn't change it for anything.  I am soooooooo glad Levi is my son!  Indeed, I will follow the Lord and I will love Levi forever!  To God be the glory for the great things He has done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!